Sometimes everything has to be enscribed across the heavens so you can find the one line already written inside you. Sometimes it takes a great sky to find that small, bright, and indescribable wedge of freedom in your own heart. David Whyte

Choice Living

on October 28, 2017

Most days I eat lunch at my kitchen table accompanied by music on my old JVC boom box and the New York Times obituaries. The obituaries tell me stories of well-known people and some I have never heard of. I learn a lot about life and history. The obituaries do not make me sad.

My boom box has room for two tapes and three CD’s, many of which my son created for me. Usually I play jazz, Cole Porter, Chet Baker and rock and roll. Today I played Tchaikovsky’s Symphony Number 5. It always takes me back to a particular evening. The Conductor of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra led this symphony as part of his desire to take classical music to people on the South-side of Chicago who had rarely been exposed to it. It was held in the magnificent Sanctuary of an old church. The diverse audience was spellbound by the beauty and accessibility of the music. My former husband and I were one of those enchanted people.

Listening to this music makes me sad. It is not grieving a loss but is yearning for something that never was. I chose to depart this marriage and settle myself close to my children. I am alone. I never expected to be. There is an empty place that a partner might have inhabited.

I get up from my kitchen table and take my single plate and mug to the sink. I remember the joy and peace of the solitary life which I have chosen, inhabiting an apartment just the right size for one. I am happy.

Written in response to the Daily Prompt:Prefer

34 responses to “Choice Living

  1. Lovely, yes being alone can be sad but also peaceful!

  2. I love the picture you build up of your life, the sadness for what might have been and the happiness for what is.

  3. Luanne says:

    I understand the conflicted feelings, but the peace is very valuable.

  4. So nice to read your blogs again and your gratitude is so palpable in every thing you write bless you , it is so nice to feel the gratitude that flows through this post alongside the hints of sadness such harmony is rare thanks Viv for this post. Kathy xx

  5. Eric Alagan says:

    When I cook for the family, I love to listen to evergreen songs – happy songs. They soothe and enthuse and apparently effuse the meals with lovely vibes. I’m a novice cook but they always turn out all right. My wife says that one has to cook with a happy frame of mind – and she is so very right. Our children – all adults – love my wife’s and (even) my cooking πŸ™‚

    Thank you for having shared your feelings,

    • vivachange77 says:

      Eric, you sound like you cook from your soul. Lean Cuisine cooks my dinners. I eat at my dining room table and add wine, music and candle light. That works for me.

      • JoHanna Massey says:

        Eric, your wife is so right. I recall a first of the year disastrous dinner I cooked while so unsettled inside with the harsh divisive politics unfolding in my living space among the family/guests. By the time I was cleaning up and tossing the largely uneaten food, I was longing for Lean Cusine, a glass of wine, and jazz on the music machine. All my best to you and your soul inspired cooking.

  6. bless you for your courage and conviction – regardless whom we may or may not have in our lives, unless we enjoy our own company we can never be happy

  7. Dale says:

    I love that you have found contentment in your choice. Remaining in an unhappy environment is rarely (I would say never but I cannot judge) the right one. I so understand the loneliness and the mourning of what could have been or what wasn’t and, at the same time, finding the joy in doing what makes you happy.
    This was so lovely.

  8. vivachange77 says:

    Thanks, Dale. I value your words. I do know that you have felt something like my loneliness and are creating a new life for yourself. ❀

  9. Great musical taste. Can’t find the right words to express how I felt reading this piece… it’s cinematic to say the least. Angles and layers. Evokes emotion. Love it!

    • vivachange77 says:

      Wow! I never considered my writing as cinematic. I’m glad you picked up on the emotion. Every time I play that symphony out of all the music we heard together l feel sad. Don’t know why.

  10. duskalert says:

    Amazing.! May you have many peaceful days ahead in your life.(Amen)

  11. Contentment with a touch of the bittersweet. But that is life. We choose our hand when we can and play the rest.

  12. JoHanna Massey says:

    Indeed, there is much to be said for peace. Often it follows some hard decisions and much change. An insightful and very real for so many essay. Thank you.

  13. vivachange77 says:

    Yes, and well worth the hard decisions. Thanks.

  14. Resa says:

    The symphony of your life has many movements. Glad to hear you are enjoying one. A very well written piece. Thank you!
    I adore all of your Haiku!

  15. You have learned the lesson. The only person who can make you truly happy is yourself.

  16. vivachange77 says:

    Yes. I like the simplicity of this. Thanks.

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