Sometimes everything has to be enscribed across the heavens so you can find the one line already written inside you. Sometimes it takes a great sky to find that small, bright, and indescribable wedge of freedom in your own heart. David Whyte

Quiet Ferocity Part Two: Lighting a New Candle

on July 17, 2015

Four years ago I traveled to spend Christmas with my three sons and their families, including my six grandchildren. My (second) husband remained in our home to celebrate the holiday with his two daughters and grandchildren who lived in town. This Christmas separation had been occurring annually for a while. I loved my step-grandchildren but even more I longed to live close to my grandchildren on a year-round basis. I wanted to be present for their growing years. I felt trapped in a dilemma between being a wife and being Grandma. I felt that if I got to the end of my life and hadn’t taken the leap of faith to move near my grandchildren and truly get to know them I would turn into a bitter old woman. That was unacceptable to me. Still I remained stuck. Until that Christmas four years ago.

After opening the gifts and eating way too much food we decided to watch old family slides. My first husband, our sons’ father, had joined us for dinner. (He and I had been divorced for twenty-five years and had recently become friends again.) As the family photographer he had brought along nine carousels of slides. They included pictures of the early months of our marriage and the usual much beloved and sometimes pretty awful collection of photos of family events over the years. As I watched, the present fell away and I drifted back to long forgotten memories and feelings. I found myself engulfed by the intangible and unmistakable feeling of FAMILY. Even though I could remember the discord of a not-so-perfect marriage my feelings said we are nevertheless a family. I felt a powerful surge of love and determination. I felt unstoppable. I wasn’t sure how I would proceed but that was not an issue. I would simply make my move happen. I was seventy-four that December when I decided to create a new life for myself. I planned to do it by the time I hit seventy-five. The following August I moved into my own apartment a few blocks from family.

23 responses to “Quiet Ferocity Part Two: Lighting a New Candle

  1. Silver Threading says:

    Good for you, Viva. You are the only one that has to look herself in the mirror every morning. I am glad you did this for you. Bravo. ❤

  2. vivachange77 says:

    Thanks for your affirmation, Colleen. ❤

  3. Sreejit Poole says:

    Wow, that was a brave move. Certainly fierce worthy.

  4. Okay, girl…you left me hanging. And then what??? Is this to be continued? I’d love to see the next chapter. The first husband and the second….how’s that work out? Write more…. please! Nice job with this.

    • vivachange77 says:

      Well. you’re right. There is the story of how details of my move fell in place like mystical dominoes (that would be a good title) and the stories of my two husbands. I hadn’t thought of writing more but these stories are journey tales like my travels. Thanks for the idea. ❤

  5. Congratulations on your courage and the new life you created 🙂

  6. […] Only For the Fierce of Heart : Quiet Ferocity – Cronechronicler […]

  7. lauzlau says:

    There’s no time limit on change. Such an inspiration!

  8. kategresham says:

    Thank you for this- I appreciate learning more about you and your courageous choices. I think from previous posts your second husband didn’t move with you? There must have been grief and uncertainty as well as courage. You inspire me.

  9. vivachange77 says:

    Thanks for remembering, Kate. My second husband did not move with me. We are now divorced and he is remarried. This time three years ago I was in the final stages of getting packed to move. My body remembers and reminds me to grieve all over again. It will pass. ❤

  10. […] Only For the Fierce of Heart : Quiet Ferocity – Cronechronicler […]

  11. JoHanna Massey says:

    That took some courage. I must continue my slow trip through your earlier posts now because I MUST find out what happens next.

    • vivachange77 says:

      Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you are reading some of my old posts. That takes me back, too, because it has been a while since I wrote this. Happy reading. 🙂

      • JoHanna Massey says:

        Every time I stop by for a visit, I try to go back and read a few of your earlier posts. It’s a fun way of getting to know you.

      • vivachange77 says:

        It means so much to me that you read old posts. My blog is not really organized. I write and a post appears at the head of the line. I have no tech skills so live with my mess. ❤

      • JoHanna Massey says:

        There are areas of my website that need serious attention. Just when I believe I have it organized it veers off again. I also don’t worry too much about anything so they may get a whole lot worse before they get better!

      • vivachange77 says:

        I concluded that. 🙂

  12. vivachange77 says:

    P.S. I love the picture of your hiking boots hanging over a ledge.

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