Sometimes everything has to be enscribed across the heavens so you can find the one line already written inside you. Sometimes it takes a great sky to find that small, bright, and indescribable wedge of freedom in your own heart. David Whyte

Last Vestige of a Marriage

on November 9, 2014

Last week I stayed at a timeshare resort in Mexico that my second husband and I owned and visited for almost twenty years. The resort was a dream place for us since we were not really luxury sort of people. A former girlfriend of his convinced him to buy it with her. She sold him her half after we married – hence time in this beautiful place was an unexpected gift to us. It was the place I most felt like a couple – away from his all-consuming work, cell phone and internet connection (at least for the first ten years).

Last week, now divorced, I went alone. I felt his presence everywhere. I remembered the first few years when the resort was new and almost humble in its beginnings. The “kitchen” was only a counter in the living room with a couple of electric coils covered by a roll-top-piano sort of lid. Not many people sharing time at this splendid resort last week would believe that things were once just basic and functional. We loved remembering how things used to be. Now there was no one I could share those funny old memories with. Thoughts of him filled the apartment I was in, which we had shared two years ago for the last time. One afternoon while I was waiting on a bench for one of the electric golf carts that transport everyone where they want to go, I felt a bolt of memory more intense than the others. We had sat on that very bench waiting for the same golf cart countless times. His presence was overwhelming. When I got home I cried. I hadn’t felt the physical pain of grieving so profoundly before. I didn’t know why my grieving had held off for so long. It has been two years since our divorce. Grief is a mystery and keeps its own timetable.

At the end of the week I went to the customary owner’s breakfast and update on new plans and programs for the resort. I learned that my contract had been flagged to remind member services to let me know of a new development concerning my contract, which I still shared with my former husband, as well as my three sons. The member services representative asked me if I was aware that my former husband had tried to have me and my sons removed from the contract. Since that was not doable, he made his new wife his beneficiary. I was stunned. My dreams and memories went up in the smoke of illusion. The cold hard dose of reality put out any vestige of my old flame.

30 responses to “Last Vestige of a Marriage

  1. That is so awful. Hold onto the memories. They are yours, no matter what and show you that at least there was happiness there, before anything else.

  2. Ouch, that really sucks… Especially going behind your back like that. Big hug for you Vivachange. There’re always new memories to be made though.

    • vivachange77 says:

      Going behind my back was the real wake-up call. It sucks. Now “to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” T.S. Eliot’s words have gotten me over rough spots before. Thanks for the hug.

  3. Silver Threading says:

    Wow! I am always shocked when I hear such things. Stay tough. ♡

    • vivachange77 says:

      Thanks. It is amazing how I feel “kicked upstairs”. The cold water thrown in my face knocked my grieving out of me. The happy ending is I elected to have the contract for ownership legally divided in half, leaving my three sons and me on our own contract. I spent an audacious amount of money to make this happen, but feel wonderfully free. My sons are proud of their mother. !!! 🙂

  4. Greetings , I do agree that grief has its own timetable; hugs and kind wishes to you.

    Happy Days to you and yours.

  5. What an uncomfortable way to find out what happened.

  6. vivachange77 says:

    Yes, I felt blind-sided. Thanks for your understanding words.

  7. What a slap in the face… I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure this heartache. I’ll be praying that you find such a beautiful future that these dark memories are completely eclipsed! God bless!

    • vivachange77 says:

      Thanks so much for your concern and prayers. You have a wonderfully big heart. I’m already moving into a bright and wiser future. My sons are proud of me for getting through this. Their love is priceless.

  8. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You are a strong writer and a brave woman. Nothing can change the cruelty of others’ behaviors-please keep writing. I hope we, as your readers, can help soothe the hurts.

    • vivachange77 says:

      Susan, thank you for your concern and encouragement. Writing that piece helped me put things together so I could begin to let go and move on. The response of you and other readers heartens me. Writing is precious to me. I’m here to stay.

  9. Oh what a stunning moment that must have been! Stay strong and know you have many good times ahead.

  10. Once we’ve loved someone, that love doesn’t go away even if the person does. It can change to the opposite of hate, but that’s just an inverse of love and not very useful. Grief is another funny thing. I’m not sure it ever totally leaves either…oh, we learn to live with it and its pain is less severe, but it doesn’t dissolve. Doesn’t evaporate like it didn’t exist in the first place.

    And life. That’s another of those funny, imponderable things.

    So now, I expect your next move is to 1. marry and deed your share to new husband;
    2. deed your share to your sons. Either way, it’s a win-win.

    Glad we’re in touch. J.

    • vivachange77 says:

      I’m glad we’re in touch as well. Yes grief has a life of its own. I’m glad I felt the things I did in Mexico. And that it was an occasion for my moving on.

      I choose your door 2. My sons were already on the contract and will be owners after I die. What I did different was when offered by the timeshare people the option of legally dividing the contract into two equal halves, I chose to do it. it. Then I made the leap to roll over our half to a new contract with more weeks so we can all have a week to use next Thanksgiving for a family reunion. It’s a huge win for me. At first I was aghast at spending the money to buy more weeks. Then my sons told me they were proud of me for a taking charge and nailing down years of future family vacations for us in the present and for my children’s children in the future. I learned I can dream big. Viva change!!

  11. […] really like the glimpse she gives us looking back at the past without living there. I enjoy Viv’s blog and I think you will […]

  12. Karuna says:

    I’m glad that you had the positive memories before you got that news. Both are true. I’m glad he couldn’t take you off the deed.

    • vivachange77 says:

      Yes. I cherish many memories from that marriage. We dissolved it quite well. Its his re-marriage that has changed the picture. The whole deed thing is getting resolved. The time share people offered me the option of legally splitting the contract into two halves. Now my sons and I are free.

  13. carolyninjoy says:

    You wrote: “Grief is a mystery and keeps its own timetable.” I’ve found a definition of grief that I found suitable for my needs: ‘Grief is like saying goodbye to a drunken friend. It always comes back for one last hug.” unknown

    I think it took a lot of courage to deal with the inconsiderate (to say the least) actions of your ex. But that is probably one of the reasons he IS an ex. He no doubt did sneaky, underhanded things in the past & you’re blessed to be rid of him.

    Congratulations for making the changes for your sons. Bravo for you. Forward & onward. Prayers & gentle hugs.

  14. kategresham says:

    I don’t think we can move forward until we have faced the pain of the loss and all it involved, but the grief can recur at any moment as memory hits. Loving comes with cost. I have an open (relatively) and loving Skype friendship with my last ex. It can happen only at a distance. I sometimes wonder whether I should have this connection- there was great pain, betrayal and loss of trust throughout the relationship, but it seems healthier for me to be able to let that go. However, I have no contact with the others. Still unresolved issues perhaps? Congratulations on your recovery from the shock of what he had done and the brilliant choice to include your sons in!

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